Like a crazy ex-boyfriend rising out of the No-Contact Order ashes, Ivan returns to the podcast and one thing is clear: The Sparkling Water Community Loves Ivan.

We talk restaurant reopenings, remouladesås, gamer girl bath water, Nintendo 64 and the giving and receiving of gifts.

Water of the week is oh-so-plain: Unflavored Sparkling Mineral Water by Mountain Valley, Whole Foods Italian Sparkling and Gerolsteiner Sprudel.

Please visit AmericanDecline.org for more information on how to support the podcast.

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“The Swedish Crown comes out in favor of Ethnic Minority Protesters.”

This is the official report from a recent visit by the Swedish delegation to the 2020 Capital Hill Ethnic Minority Autonomous Region.

Also, we perform a live session of cleromancy to derive a King Wen hexagram from a 3000-year-old Chinese text. Through the happenstance of flipping three coins, the ancient sage offers up useful instructions for the white ally in the modern era.

Water of the week is Cherry-Lime from Eternal Sparkling, Klarbrunn and Clean Cause.

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For the second half of our Ba Bar special, we are joined by owner Eric Banh of the Saigon Siblings restaurant group. This is a conversation about the food, the shutdown and the reopening. Eric opens up about his childhood in Saigon, his first memory of America, and life as a refugee in Malaysia.

The philosophy of the restaurant is held up to the light and many things are revealed, and we finally learn what the deal is with the Vegan Pumpkin Curry!

Water of the week is a Topo Chico retrospective: Plain, Twist of Lime, Twist of Grapefruit, and most important Bernardo Style.

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In this episode, host M. Joakim Eriksson talks race and racism. This includes a treatment on fake money, alienation, and the strange narrative voice used to talk about problematic governance in faraway places. (If your podcatcher can handle URLs, then here’s a link to the WaPo article)

The second half of this episode is our comprehensive remarks on The Role of a Pen in a Restaurant.

Water of the week is Ginger-Orange Sparkling Yerba Mate from Clean Cause, Ginger Glo from Sparkling Glo, and Apple-Ginger from AHA.

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This is the first half of our Ba Bar special.

We talk women, politics and cocktail-making. Eventually, around the half-way mark, we get to the good stuff and Sho admits that hiring Joakim at the restaurant “definitely ruffled some feathers.” But what does that even mean? What did I do wrong???

The water of the week is Tangerine from La Croix, Signature Select and Voss (Tangerine-Lemongrass).

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For today’s episode, Joakim puts his faith in the random universe to deliver a theme and a topic. Was this a good idea? Can the thin air act as a foundation to build a podcast episode upon?

Yes and no. Regardless, Joakim will always find a way to talk about his failed marriage.

The water of the week is a triplet interpretation of another jazz standard: LIME!

1. FieldDay
2. Signature Select
3. Topo Chico

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Today, we learn that Joakim struggles with a hoarding disorder fueled by narcissism and a persistent delusion of success: Nothing can be deleted from his hard-drive, because soon all these adoring fans might want to study every .txt and decode every .jpg and nod along to every .mp3.

Luckily, a Dropbox subscription is only twelve bucks a month.

Oh, and lastly we pick a winner from the Little Black Dog competition. This week’s water is anot installment of the Grapefruit sessions: Topo Chico, Polar Seltzer and Soleil by Signature Select.

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For this episode, we raise our cups and monologue about humiliation, fear and watermelon. Somehow, while speaking of these things, Joakim’s mind will always wander back to Jojje Olsson—a “journalist” from Sweden.

Another week, another water: Kiwi-Watermelon by La Croix (Curate), Watermelon by Hint (sparkling?) and Lime-Watermelon by AHA.

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GUEST-OF-THE-YEAR MARISSA is brought back for another open therapy session where host M. Joakim Eriksson is forced to accept a difficult truth: Other people are never the problem. This is followed by light banter about alcoholism, racism and how to excommunicate a parent. Fun.

Water of the week: Orange from Field Day, Bubly and Crystal Geyser.

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This episode is one hour and seventeen minutes of hard-hitting questions followed by a fearless pursuit of answers. Which berry is Joakim’s biker grandpa allergic to? Did Napoleon figure it all out in the end? Death before decaf? Has Max always been playing too many video games? Seattle’s “utomsocknes” with a terrible fashion sense—where are they really from? Ohio or Florida?

That’s all from the first fifteen minutes, because pretty soon we arrive at the China question: wet markets, Chinese politics and concentration camps in Xinjiang.

Water of the week: Watermelon, Grape and Strawberry from Waterloo.

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For our second session with Lacey, we talk about our experiences inside and outside the world of sexual harassment, then we touch on drugs and/or parenting. Again, a big thank you to Grey Block Pizza for sponsoring the episode.

Water of the week: Plain by San Pellegrino, Perrier and SmartWater.

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For today’s episode, we monologue with the ghost of Max Loring about why we can’t just be happy for each other—why does everything have to be so petty and small-minded? Why do I want everyone else to fail?

This week’s water is a follow-up to the Grapefruit Sessions: Spindrift, Good & Gather and Kirkland Signature.

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This is our much anticipated interview with ousted co-founder Ivan the Betrayer. Working out of a family garage, Ivan and I attempted to produce a user-friendly podcast about Sparkling Water—staying up all night, tinkering with the recipe for hours and hours, manically talking to ourselves about the perfect format.

As you all know, Ivan abandoned us amid a power struggle over creative control. This might be the return of a disgraced co-founder, but make no mistake: Ivan is no Steve Jobs.

This week’s water: Cucumber Mint from Good & Gather, Múre Pepino from La Croix (Cúrate), Cucumber Lemon by Voss.

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We sit down with Straight-Shooter Lacey Starr and talk memes and momos before wandering into the mysterious forest of Sushi. Many things are revealed during the recording of this brief episode, most notably we finally know who has a crush on whom—judge for yourselves.

Water of the week: Peach from Bubly, Ginger-Peach from Good & Gather and Peach-Nectarine from Talking Rain.

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And now we are asked to shelter-in-place. How long will this last? Will we ever be the same? How short is shortness of breath?

This morning we allowed ourselves “little a AHA sparkling water, as a treat.” And to Chase Windu, wherever you are: Stay Safe, My Brother.

This week’s water is three flavors of AHA from Coca-Cola: Grapefruit + Orange, Green Tea + Citrus, Bluberry + Pomegranate.

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In response to the COVID-19 outbreak and with guidance from public health bureaucrats, the M. Joakim Eriksson Center for American Decline will now be housed at AmericanDecline.org so that we can continue to provide our services in a manner which is safe for our staff, clients and larger community.

Thank you for your patience and understanding during this unusual time. 

We sit down with Max “hardest worker in Seattle coming through” Loring and have a brief conversation about social media and unemployment in the age of Coronavirus before we completely lock horns on the issue of Talking Rain.

The water of the week is two flavors of caffeinated sparkling water from Talking Rain: Summer Melon and Blood Orange.

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We drink raspberry-flavored sparkling water from Cascade Ice, Bubly, La Croix and Talking Rain, and then we finally face our fears and talk about the issues we’ve been afraid to approach.

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Here, in the second half of the Grapefruits, we review La Croix, Bubly and Waterloo.

We also introduce a new segment (Sparkling Water Myths) and then talk Carbonara recipes, early childhood memories, physical fights, and the Madison Diner on Bainbridge Island (Family-owned? Family-owned!).

We wrap up the episode in agreement: We both love working for Eric Bahn and Ba Bar.

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In our first session with Coop, we review six brands of grapefruit-flavored sparkling water and talk about Ramlösa and how sparkling water is perceived in Joakim’s native Sweden.

We also touch upon Coop’s upbringing in Los Angeles which obviously leads to a conversation about God and restaurants in Seattle. Part one is a review of the Grapefruits by Signature Select (Safeway), Talking Rain and Cascade Ice. Part two will feature La Croix, Bubly and Waterloo.

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